posture

Today I am waiting for Monday. I am going to have surgery on my foot then. I don't know what these days will bring to me but I am going to take the position that God is good, His mercy is everlasting, and His truth endures throughout all generations. I have decided to default to faith, to trusting Him. It is from that posture that I am able to discover what He means when He says that I will never be put to shame.

I don’t pray for the trouble not to come -- I pray for it not to move me. To me, in reality this is invaluable, to not be moved by adversity. To me this is the foundation of a fearless life.

That seems to be the primary focus, the main lesson I am being taught right now. I remember earlier on in my faith life I would be frantic, all the while knowing that God promised me that I would be protected, safe. I had a disjointed reality -- double minded. I remember longing to be able to abandon the fear, to lean totally on the Word and its promises. It seemed like since I knew that it would be ok, it was wasting a lot of energy to be anxious. It seemed like it made more sense to skip the anxiousness and go straight to peace and contentment -- and it became my goal.

I feel like this is something along the lines of a final exam. It's not THE final exam -- but for me to be able to move on to the next portion of my life I have to face apparent adversity without wavering. From that point I can begin to take ground. This immovability is accompanied by a mind that defaults to grace, that doesn't rattle with negativity when I feel threatened. It means a mouth that isn't tricked into saying things that are not gracious. I have to be able to side with God in my mind and in my mouth, not just eventually, but immediately, in order to move forward.

There is also a discipline that is needed. I have prayed for it, but for whatever reason have not been able to grasp it. -- It really is a complete retooling of my thought process. This ankle has helped me build a foundation for order. There are now good reasons for me to be more disciplined and I am being driven to order my steps more carefully. Out of this experience comes a change in my desire, and not far behind that will be strategies for accomplishing what I was incapable of doing before.

My faith life and growth are premised on grace, on pushing HARD against feeling pressured to 'do something', to perform some act to prove my virtue or devotion, to put my trust in following rules. No matter how hard I try to do the right thing I am not big enough to know what the right thing is -- I can't see with the scope that takes. The LAW can't do what grace can do. The inclination to do what God wants me to do has to be written by His finger on my heart, individually, privately. Less than that is an impotent gesture. There is a Teacher, a Comforter, a Come-Along-Side Friend who is in me guiding me to do His pleasure -- that is a foundational principle of God's Kingdom, it is the one thing that sets His throne above every other throne -- that He will do in us what we cannot do for ourselves. Actually, we are evaluated purely on the basis of whether we trust Him to DO IT -- whatever IT may be in any given situation -- in us and through us. The better I get at cooperating with God's plan, the more useful I am to Him.

This is total insanity to the world, to the kingdom of this world. Its laws and rules won't even entertain this position -- it is foolishness, it is dangerous. I have to lose all hope of riding the fence between these two worlds, because it is impossible to do both -- I am either doing it my way or I am waiting on Him to do something for me and through me.

So my broken ankle is a tether to Him. I am bound more tightly to Him, and ever farther removed from the kingdom of this world. I am all in, I am too far along to be able to turn back. I feel the seriousness of my decision to not take action. I have decided that I will see this through to its real conclusion, and my main effort now is to abandon any course of action that might skew the results. If I am saved, if I am delivered, it won't be because I figured it out.

I am studying NOT to figure it out -- and that is work in itself. But now that I am too far gone to save myself I have made it easier on myself to 'stay my hand' from action.

At the end of this is a stability that is useful. It is producing a confidence in me that can withstand whatever the enemy can send my way. I am determined to be a 'repairer of the breach, a restorer of paths to dwell in'. I am determined that when I open my mouth something will come out that will comfort and strengthen and light the eyes of understanding in others. I am determined to be tethered to Christ, His bondslave, useful to Him, of no value but what He does in me. That is my aspiration and my life's work, and I am determined that He has permission to do whatever He pleases to build that in me. I cannot do it, but I can consent to whatever means He is pleased to use to do it in me.